Throughout our lives, we face many circumstances that we cannot control. These may
bring up dismay, frustration, or a sense of feeling stuck. Consciously or not, you may compound additional “negative” emotions around things you cannot change. Radical acceptance is a practice of facing reality as it is without judgment. The added layer of judgment on our feelings, thoughts, or experiences can turn the temporary into something heavier, thus making them more difficult to cope with.
Radical acceptance, a distress tolerance tool found in dialectical behavioral therapy
(DBT), teaches you that fighting what is in front of you can turn pain into suffering. This does not mean resigning to these challenges; noticing what is coming up for you is a way to further
connect to yourself, even when it may be difficult.
Radical acceptance aligns with the practice of mindfulness, acknowledging what is happening in the current moment. This can alleviate anxieties about the future, regrets of the past, or the desire to change what is not possible.
DBT Distress Tolerance Radical Acceptance Exercises
It is normal in painful situations to want to push it away. Maybe your plate is too crowded
to process and hold the pain in that moment. While this typically provides temporary relief, not accepting these feelings can turn into a prolonged sense of discomfort and inner conflict.
Radical acceptance allows you to see the value of your life despite what may be plaguing you in the present moment. Remember that when we feel our emotions, we move through them. If you compartmentalize negative experiences, are you giving these more power than they actually have in reality?
Below are some examples of radical acceptance and the impact it can have:
● Look out for self-criticism about your feelings and thoughts. Many of our judgments come
from a place of identity (race, religious views, sexuality, gender identity, etc.). Are
messages from your past influencing how you navigate the current moment? By noticing
the intersectionality of yourself and your experiences, you may see if these parts add a
harshness to the present.
● Similarly to the above, when we qualify objects, people, and feelings as good, bad, right,
or wrong, this is another form of judgment. How have you decided what a good feeling is
versus a bad one? Whose definition of right and wrong are you using when this comes
up? If something is uncomfortable, that does not make it wrong or bad. It is usually
important information that is telling us something. Radical acceptance can help you listen
to yourself.
● Are you adding “shoulds” to your thoughts and feelings? For example: “This shouldn’t
have happened to me” or “I shouldn’t be feeling this way anymore.” How can we find
acceptance when we are pushing against it?
● Practice a sense of openness to your emotions. We often hold multiple contrasting
feelings simultaneously, yet sometimes we only focus on one. How can you give yourself
more space to notice everything that is coming up for you?
● Focus on the facts of the situation. Our feelings and thoughts can often add to our
experiences. If you can separate these, you are more likely to find acceptance rather
than try to make a change.
● Understanding what you can and cannot control. While this may seem obvious, many of
us can spiral around the uncontrollable. This may find us stuck ruminating on the
impossible, disconnecting us from our true selves in that moment.
● We cannot change our emotions, no matter how hard we try. When we wish not to feel
something, we move away from the feeling, which will still remain. Visualizations like
waves can help us understand the cadence of our emotions and responses to them.
Traits that you may be overlooking in these darker moments may come to the surface
when practicing radical acceptance. Are you able to recognize your resilience to experience
pain?
Radical acceptance can shine a light on self-love. Sitting in the present, seeing yourself
as you are, without trying to be anything different other than yourself. When trying any new coping mechanisms or tools, it is important to give yourself grace. With my clients, I am constantly referring to new things as practice. This eliminates the pressure that may come up to excel at something immediately. This also reminds them that practices take time to internalize, understand, and connect.
Radical acceptance shows us that life can be painful, yet it is still worth living. Through
this practice, we can also have stronger, more fulfilling relationships with others and ourselves. There are times, though, when radical acceptance is not appropriate. If you are experiencing abuse, harassment, or working in a toxic environment, you should consider how you can change these circumstances. Although this is your reality, you do not need to accept these.
Turning to a supportive person or a therapist can help you in these unhealthy situations and
make meaningful and sometimes challenging changes.
More on the Power of Radical Acceptance
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