Gay men can have many different relationships with one another. They can be romantic,
platonic, sexual, platonic sexual, etc. However, what I have found in my work with clients (and
lived experience) is that there can be a gap in vulnerability and intimacy with gay men. Now, this could be a result of our childhoods. Most young boys, regardless of sexuality, are taught to suppress their emotions. Without experiences or spaces to change this behavior, it can be
challenging to open up to other men in a non-romantic way. Even within romantic relationships, there may be blocks in place to share other emotions beyond happiness, desire, or sexual excitement. Enter a gay men’s therapy group. In this blog, I will discuss the importance and benefits of group therapy, specifically for gay men.
A Gay Space without Substances
Something I hear my gay clients share time and time again: where can I go that is a
safe, queer space that is not rooted in drinking or drugs? This does not undermine the
importance of gay bars, and yet, the loud music can get in the way of connecting with others,
whether friends or meeting new people. Additionally, substance use alters your state of being
and can disconnect you from your authentic self. How can we be grounded in our emotions and bodies when we have a chemical imbalance in our brains? Yes, alcohol and drugs can elicit a temporary sense of euphoria or closeness. However, how much of that connection is
remembered the next day?
Additionally, it is not uncommon for gay men to experience social anxiety in gay bars and
clubs. With the high beauty and body standards in the gay community, it is easy to feel like an
outsider in these spaces. This can make it difficult to engage in new conversations, as well as
even be connected with yourself. Overthinking, self-criticism, and comparisons can run rampant. Clients have also shared that the lack of diversity in these spaces can feel polarizing and limit the opportunity for a sense of closeness.
3 ways group therapy is better than individual therapy
It is Different than Talking with Your Friends
“But Jonathan, I have a group of gay male friends.” A gay men’s therapy group is not a
replacement for your existing relationships. However, ask yourself: do you talk more about
content rather than how you feel? Most of our friendships are rooted in circumstances: shared interests, colleagues, school, etc. These circumstances can lend us to talk on the surface, even when it is about vulnerable topics. For example, you can share details of your sex life with your friends, your number of partners, or a casual hook-up. Have you ever discussed with your friends your relationship to sex, though? In a gay men’s group, you have the opportunity to slow down and connect with yourself differently while also hearing the perspectives of other gay men.
Since it is a therapeutic space, what you share is also confined to that space. Your
feelings or intentions can be left alone or brought up again, but you hold the power. Even though our friends often have the best intentions, sometimes they ask questions or bring up topics we want to avoid discussing. Whether it be too tender at the moment or for any other reason, in a gay men’s group, you have total consent to discuss or not discuss whatever you want. While I recognize you can do this with friends, sometimes it can be hard to say no. The facilitator in a group is there to hold space for everyone and also check in when they notice non-verbal shifts.
Friendship cannot replace therapy
Consistency
There is a reason New York City is called the city that never sleeps. Between work or
school, chores, commuting (although working from home has changed this aspect for many),
exercise, and more, finding time to connect with yourself and your emotions, let alone others,
can feel like a never-ending math equation. A gay men’s group sets aside an hour and a half
each week to show up in any way you want to and be human. You do not have to coordinate
schedules with six other people, you do not have to deal with rescheduling, and you do not have to participate in a way you do not want to. All you have to do is be yourself and be open to connection in the here and now.
● Undoing aloneness. Even with the richest social lives, we may be disconnected from
feeling our emotions. Here is a space to practice something different. Notice what is
coming up in real-time and share it. And share it with people you only see in this context.
● The relationship with a group facilitator differs from that with an individual or couple’s
therapist. While yes, you are still “doing” therapy, the facilitator has a different
relationship with you because their relationship exists with other members right in front of
you. As a gay man, I often feel like I am both sitting with my group and outside my group,
which my clients have also expressed sensing. This unique phenomenon cannot exist
with a group of friends.
● Practice speaking your truth in a group setting. Many of us need help with talking in
group settings, whether about vulnerabilities or starting a conversation. Group therapy
allows you the opportunity to practice sharing how you feel or what you think with
multiple people. That sensation of having many eyes on you can hold some people from
speaking up; a group challenges this with the hope that you will carry this out into the
world.
● Conflict! The more people I meet in my life, the more I find that so many are averse to
conflict. This often manifests in others suppressing themselves, censoring their authentic
self, or masking. When conflict arises in group therapy, this is an opportunity to practice
rupture and repair. Conflict is bound to occur in any dynamic at some point, if not often.
Let’s normalize conflict together in a healthier way.
Do you want to talk about things that impact gay men? Do you find yourself struggling to
share how you feel with others? Do you want to experience a new type of closeness? Join a gay men’s therapy group. You may be surprised by what you discover about yourself and others to understand better what it means to be you.
For more information on Jonathan Basla’s gay men’s group, click here:
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