The Art of Unhooking: A Therapeutic Take on Dukkha and Shenpa

As an armchair Buddhist, I’ve always found the concept of Dukkha to be grounding, especially when I feel my presence getting swept away by unsettling situations.

Remembering Dukkha brings me back to a perspective that helps make sense of discomfort without getting swallowed by it. Often translated as, "Life is suffering" (not exactly the ideal tagline for a self-help book), Dukkha is the first of the Four Noble Truths that comprise the philosophical base of the Buddha’s teachings. As with most ancient wisdom, a lot gets lost in translation. More nuanced versions swap out “suffering” for words like unsatisfactoriness, contraction, clenching, or unease – all of which feel like a much better fit.

Because to me, what Dukkha means isn’t that life is constant suffering and everything sucks – it just means that discomfort and uneasiness are inevitable, and things are going to be bumpy – and even more unsatisfactory – if you constantly cling to things and ideas that won’t last (e.g., the illusion that you can avoid discomfort) in a life and universe that is characterized by constant change and impermanence.

This is where the hook comes in. Or, more specifically, Shenpa.

Shenpa: The Feeling of Getting Hooked

Tibetan Buddhism has a term for that moment when suffering gets its claws into us. It’s called Shenpa, and it literally translates to “attachment” or “being hooked.” Shenpa is that spark of reactivity – that tightening in the body when someone says or does something that triggers an old wound. It’s the instant pull toward defensiveness, numbing, people-pleasing, or overthinking to name a few favorite reactive mechanisms. It’s the feeling of being pulled into a well-worn cycle before you even realize what’s happening. In other words, it’s the moment you bite the hook.

Shenpa can show up in all kinds of ways:

● The tightness in your chest when you feel unseen, and the immediate urge to prove your

worth.

● The irritation that arises when a loved one disappoints you, and the quick slide into

resentment.

● The compulsive checking of your phone after a difficult conversation, looking for some

kind of reassurance or distraction from the discomfort.

These moments are subtle. They happen fast. And before we know it, we’re caught in the same old loops, reacting from habit instead of responding with intention.

Why Do We Get Hooked? A Psychodynamic Perspective

If you’ve ever found yourself getting caught in the same emotional patterns, feeling like you’re playing out the same relationship struggles, the same anxieties, or the same self-sabotaging behaviors over and over again – you’re not alone. From a psychodynamic perspective, we tend to cling to familiar suffering over unfamiliar uncertainty. Even when something is painful, at least we know what to expect. And this is catnip to a brain that prioritizes familiarity over well-being.

This is part of the reason why:

● Someone with a history of feeling unseen might unconsciously choose relationships

where they have to fight to be noticed.

● Someone who grew up in chaos might feel restless when things are calm and

unknowingly create conflict to restore a sense of normalcy.

● Someone who was punished for expressing their needs might automatically suppress

them – even in safe relationships.

The hook is always personal. It goes deeper than just the surface trigger – it taps into old wounds, long-standing narratives about ourselves, and deeply ingrained emotional conditioning. Which means unhooking isn’t just about changing behaviors – it’s about understanding what keeps pulling us back into them.

The Art of Unhooking

If suffering is inevitable but clinging makes it worse, how do we stop ourselves from taking the bait? Here’s where things get interesting. Unhooking doesn’t mean avoiding suffering. It means moving through it differently. In AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), we talk a lot about how emotions, when fully processed, move through us like waves. They come, they crest, and if we don’t block them, they pass). But most of us don’t let emotions move like that. We brace against them. We tense up. We analyze, suppress, or distract. And that’s Shenpa. That’s the hook.

Unhooking looks more like this:

1. Pausing and Noticing

When you feel that tightening, that pull to react – pause. Just for a second. Name what’s happening.

● “I’m feeling anxious, and I want to over-explain myself.”

● “I’m feeling uncertain, and I want to seek reassurance.”

● “I feel rejected, and I want to withdraw before anyone else can hurt me.”

Just naming the feeling creates space. It interrupts the autopilot response.

2. Getting Curious

Instead of pushing discomfort away, what happens if you lean in?

● What does this feeling want to tell you?

● Where did you first learn to react this way?

● What are you afraid will happen if you don’t act on it?

Curiosity is a pattern-breaker. It shifts us from reacting to exploring.

3. Breathing Through the Wave

This is the part where your nervous system might freak out a little. And that’s okay. Let yourself feel what’s happening, but don’t act on it.

Emotions are physiological waves – they peak, they pass. The more we allow them instead of fighting them, the faster they move through.

Try this:

● Breathe deeply into your belly. Slow exhale.

● Notice the sensations. Where do you feel the tightness?

● Tell yourself: “I can handle this.” Because you can.

4. Anchoring in the Present

When we’re hooked, we’re usually somewhere else – in the past, the future, or in a story about what’s happening.

Unhooking means coming back to now.

● Where are your feet?

● What do you see?

● What do you hear?

Grounding in the present moment disrupts the spiral of reactivity.

5. Acting from Choice, Not Reaction

Once the emotional wave passes, then you can decide what to do. Not from fear. Not from panic. From a more grounded place. Maybe you still send the text, have the conversation, or set the boundary. But now, you’re choosing it rather than just reacting.

Suffering Is Inevitable. Being Hooked Is Optional (...Most of the Time).

I won’t lie – this is hard work. There will be days when you see the hook and bite down anyway. And that’s okay. That is part of the work. As with meditation, the healing happens in the return to our breath. Awareness itself is progress. Over time, the more you practice unhooking, the less power those old patterns will have. And maybe that’s what Dukkha and Shenpa are really about – not a call to resignation, but an invitation to meet life differently.

To soften instead of clench. To flow instead of fight. To ride the wave instead of getting dragged under.

Dukkha may be inevitable. But how much we add to it is up to us.