So much of why therapy works is the relationship between therapist and client. One built
on a foundation with safety and unconditional positive regard. But what happens when the
therapeutic relationship begins to falter? Just like any relationship in life, the one between you and your therapist can encounter bumps along the road. While it is natural to encounter
challenges, there are times when breaking up with your therapist becomes necessary for your well-being and progress.
Here are some signs to help you recognize when it might be time to move on:
Lack of Progress: One of the goals of therapy is to make progress toward bettering your
mental health and achieving personal goals. While your reason for staying in therapy can
change over time, typically, there is some greater purpose, even if it is to hold space to slow
down and connect with your emotions. If you find yourself stuck in the same patterns or issues without noticeable advancement, it could be a sign that the therapeutic approach is not working for you. That being said, have conversations with your therapist before terminating the relationship. This serves you for two reasons. One, you are able to practice confrontation in a safe, non-reactive way. Two, the therapist may be able to adjust to better suit your needs.
However, effective therapy requires a strong sense of understanding from your therapist. If you consistently feel like your therapist does not grasp your concerns or fails to empathize with your experiences, it can hinder the therapeutic process.
Mismatched Therapeutic Style: Each therapist has their own unique approach and style.
While some people may thrive with a directive or structured approach, others may prefer a more exploratory or non-directive style. If you feel disconnected or uncomfortable with your therapist's approach, it may be a sign that they are not a good fit for what you are looking for.
While this is an important question to be discussed in a consultation, sometimes you may not know what works for you, especially if this is your first time in therapy. Therapists often throw modalities around like CBT, ACT, Psychodynamic, Relational, EMDR, etc. And while a therapist can (and should) explain to you what these mean, it is often difficult to sense what it feels like for you unless you are in the room. With some time, you will be able to discover the therapeutic style that works for you. Your therapist will be understanding and should share referrals for other therapists in their network who practice the way you are looking for.
8 signs a therapist is not a good fit for you: (https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-vet-a-therapist)
Trust Issues and Connection: Trust is the foundation of any therapeutic relationship (and one may say for all relationships). If you find yourself questioning your therapist's competence, integrity, or intentions, it can erode the trust essential for meaningful progress. This could be as simple as your therapist consistently showing up late to sessions, whether acknowledged or not.
How can you continue to work with someone, sharing your own vulnerabilities, if you are questioning their capability? The therapeutic relationship is built on trust, rapport, and connection. If you consistently struggle to connect with your therapist on a personal or emotional level, it may hinder the effectiveness of the therapy. While you do not need to “see” your therapist the same way they see you, if you notice yourself distracted by their own personality or traits, it could detract from your ability to focus on the reason you are there.
Ignoring Cultural or Identity Factors: Your therapist should acknowledge and respect your
cultural background, identity, and beliefs. If you feel dismissed or invalidated based on aspects of your identity, it can undermine the therapeutic alliance. Many of my clients identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community and sought out a therapist who identifies as LGBTQ+. However, your therapist does not need to share any identities with you in order to understand all of the parts of who you are. What matters most is that you feel your whole self can show up in the therapeutic space without worry that any part will not be held.
Instinctual Feeling of Discomfort: While it's normal to experience discomfort or difficult emotions in therapy, persistent feelings of discomfort, anxiety, or even dread before sessions may indicate that something is not right in the therapeutic relationship. Sometimes, you might be unable to pinpoint specific reasons for feeling dissatisfied with your therapist, yet your gut continues to tell you something feels off. Trusting your instincts and recognizing your own comfort level is crucial in determining whether it is time to break up with your therapist.
Financial Strain: Therapy can be expensive, and it is essential to consider whether the financial investment aligns with the quality of care you are receiving. If the cost of therapy creates significant financial strain, it may be worth reassessing whether the benefits outweigh the expenses. This does not mean that therapy is not for you. However, your therapist can help you find lower-cost options. Therapy should never add additional stress to your life, especially financially.
Deciding when it’s time to end therapy
While ending your relationship with a therapist might seem easier than a romantic
breakup, it can still bring up conflicting feelings. We all have our own histories with saying
goodbyes, and for some of us, it may be easier than others. In addition to everything I listed
above, if your therapist is talking about themselves (their personal life, weekend plans, etc.), this is a repeated boundary violation and may be a sign that the relationship has morphed into something else.
Breaking up with your therapist can be a daunting and challenging decision, yet it can be an essential act to prioritize your well-being and therapeutic progress. Before making any decisions, I recommend discussing any concerns with your therapist to see if the issues can be addressed and resolved. However, if you have tried to address the issues without success or if the problems persist, it may be time to seek out a new therapist who better suits your needs and goals. Remember, therapy is about your growth and healing journey, and finding the right therapist can make all the difference.
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