Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be like riding a rollercoaster:
intense highs followed by plummeting lows, twists and turns that seem to come out of nowhere, and an overwhelming sense of uncertainty. While this is undoubtedly intense for the person living with BPD, it can also be challenging for those in this person’s life. Caring for someone with BPD is akin to being a constant companion on that ride, trying to offer support and stability amidst the chaos. In this blog, I will explore what it means to care for someone with BPD, whether it be a family member, friend, or romantic partner, and offer insights and strategies for navigating this often fraught journey with compassion and understanding.
Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder
Before diving into the complexities of caring for someone with BPD, it is essential to
have a basic understanding of the diagnosis itself. BPD is a mental health condition
characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. People with BPD often
experience intense emotions (anger often being a part of their lived experience), have difficulty regulating their feelings, and struggle with maintaining stable relationships.
They may also exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a distorted sense of self-image. Those with BPD often have a strong fear of abandonment yet display a push-and-pull dynamic. They want to be loved, yet they often push those closest to them away in a way that results in others potentially turning away from them, even if it is temporary. People with BPD can also partake in self-harm and suicidal ideation, which can bring up additional fears and concerns for loved ones.
Borderline personality disorder and relationships
The Challenges of Caring
Caring for someone with BPD can be emotionally draining and physically exhausting.
People with BPD often experience emotions more intensely than others. You may find yourself caught in the whirlwind of their feelings, which can be overwhelming and confusing how to navigate. How do you take care of yourself in that moment when this person is also feeling so much? How do you practice boundaries when they may not have the coping tools yet to understand how to process and navigate their feelings?
Individuals with BPD commonly fear abandonment and may exhibit behaviors of
excessive needs. This fear can manifest in various ways, including frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined separation from loved ones. In a romantic relationship, it could display codependent tendencies where constant communication and validation are needed. With family or friends, this fear could show up as attention-seeking behavior in order for them to feel “seen,” although these acts can be drastic. Impulsivity is a hallmark trait of BPD, which can lead to risky behaviors such as substance abuse, reckless driving, or self-harm. It is a delicate dance to manage and mitigate these behaviors while ensuring the safety of your loved one.
Depending on your relationship with this person, how responsible do you feel for their behaviors compared with how responsible you actually are? For instance, a parent may struggle with their child’s impulsive behavior more than a friend. Yet, it can impact both emotionally in a similar manner.
Maintaining stable relationships due to their intense emotions and fear of abandonment
is often a point of struggle for those with BPD. This can result in frequent conflicts and
misunderstandings, putting a strain on both the individual with BPD and those around them. You may experience more arguments and tension within the interpersonal dynamic. You may find yourself needing more space or time away from this person to recover from conflict when it arises. That’s normal. You need to have your sense of groundedness in order to show up for someone who experiences life differently than you.
Strategies to Maintain the Relationship
While caring for someone with BPD can be challenging, it is not without hope. Here are
some strategies for providing effective care and support:
● Educate Yourself: Knowledge is power when it comes to understanding and supporting
someone with BPD. Take the time to educate yourself about the disorder, its symptoms,
and treatment options. This can help you develop empathy and compassion for your
loved one's struggles. Below, I have included some books you can read that could be a
great place to start. You will feel more confident going into interactions with more tools
and information.
● Practice Validation: Validation is a powerful tool for building trust and rapport with
someone who has BPD. Acknowledge and validate their emotions, even if you do not
necessarily understand or agree with them. Remember, with all people, you do not need
to understand their feelings or opinions to respect them. Let them know that their feelings are valid and worthy of attention. This allows them to feel seen, even when they
may not understand where these emotions are coming from.
● Set Boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries is essential for both you and your loved one
with BPD. Clearly communicate your limits and stick to them, even when difficult. This
can help prevent resentment while fostering a sense of safety and security for both
parties. This is one of the most effective tools for someone with BPD, as well. They will
often try to push boundaries in hopes of proving wrong their fear of abandonment
because any response is better than no response. However, if you show them that your
boundaries are stern, you are modeling a way of being that they may not be used to.
● Encourage Treatment: Encourage your loved one to seek professional help for their
BPD. Therapy, medication, and support groups can all be beneficial in managing
symptoms and improving overall quality of life. Offer to help them research treatment
options if they feel unclear about where to start. When it comes to therapy, DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) is an empirically proven modality that works for those with BPD.
11 must-read books about borderline personality disorder
Caring for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is undoubtedly challenging, yet
it is also an opportunity for growth, empathy, and unconditional love. By educating yourself,
setting boundaries, practicing validation, and prioritizing self-care, you can navigate this journey with compassion and understanding. Remember, you are not alone, and support is available for both you and your loved one. Together, you can weather the storms and find moments of joy and connection amidst the chaos.
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