You and your partner have decided to engage in ethical non-monogamy and open your relationship. Both of you might be experiencing a wide range of emotions. You may be excited, nervous, scared, happy, or all of the above. All these emotions and more are valid when you embark on this new journey. There are many ways to ensure that you and your partner feel safe and comfortable on this journey so your relationship feels like a success.
What is an Open/Polyamorous Relationship?
An open relationship is one where a couple decides together that they will pursue sexual relationships with other individuals while still being engaged in a relationship with each other. Open relationships can exist in a marriage, dating, or committed relationship. A polyamorous relationship is similar to that of an open relationship. However, in a polyamorous relationship, each partner may be involved in other relationships that are both sexually and emotionally intimate, and all parties are aware of the relationship. In a polyamorous relationship dynamic, a “primary partner” is considered your leading partner, while your other relationship would be with your secondary partner.
People often get involved in open relationships and polyamorous relationships for many different reasons. Two reasons that are often discussed are for more sexual satisfaction or for a more intimate emotional connection. As humans, we have sexual needs that our partners may not always fulfill for several reasons ranging from the length of time you are with your partner to physical or emotional health issues. When both partners agree to expand their relationship to allow for other sexual experiences, it can satisfy both partners in the relationship. One partner’s needs can be met, while the other partner feels less pressure to provide something sexually that they may not be able to.
Emotional connection is another form of intimacy humans crave; everyone expresses their emotions differently. You may have heard someone say that a person is emotionally unavailable, which usually means they have trouble expressing themselves verbally or physically, or perhaps they have difficulty listening to their partner or showing interest in their lives. This is another reason people may look for emotional intimacy in another partner to fill the void they may be dealing with. Again, this is a situation where both partners’ needs are met because of the lack of pressure and fulfillment being met.
How to Navigate an Open Relationship
Navigating an open relationship is tricky because some parts may also be complex. This type of relationship doesn’t look the same for everyone, and there is no cookie-cutter version of what it will look like for you. Some main issues people face with this type of relationship are jealousy, poor communication, comparison, and insecurities. Good communication is essential to keep all parties feeling comfortable. Jealousy may stem from your partner spending too much time with their new partner, or perhaps they are experiencing new things with their partner that you wish you were experiencing with them. Rather than sitting alone in this jealousy, it is important to express your feelings to your partner in a kind way or express it to someone like your therapist.
Comparison is also important to not fall into because you are taking away from the unique things about your relationship with your partner. It is important to not look at your partner's other relationships and instead focus on the positive things about your relationship with them. This can also remove any insecurities that may creep up on you in the relationship.
A crucial part of open and polyamorous relationships is boundaries. Boundaries should be expressed to each other at the start of the relationship and revisited occasionally. Some examples of questions to consider during discussing boundaries are: how much do we each want to know about secondary or other partners? Do we want to know their names? Do we want to know specifics about the dates you are going on? How much do we want to share about sexual experiences, if any at all? Are there days explicitly reserved for us? Do we want others to know about our open relationship? These are a few questions that may arise in a conversation around boundaries. It is essential to consider other questions you may have for your partner going into this conversation. If you feel nervous about this conversation or need help discussing it, couples therapy is a great place to engage in a conversation like this.
Honesty is also crucial during ethical non-monogamy. For both parties to continue to feel comfortable in the relationship, it is essential to be truthful with each other so that things do not begin to feel disrespectful.
What if My Partner Doesn't Want an Open Relationship?
If you are interested in opening up your relationship, and your partner isn’t, it is vital to approach this situation with kindness, understanding, and respect. Communicating with your partner about their concerns and feelings is an excellent way to approach this conversation. You may want to explain why you want to explore this while discussing how this relationship dynamic may benefit you both. It is imperative not to be forceful during this conversation, and it is also important not to go behind their back and pursue another relationship without their knowledge because this can break the bond and trust between the two of you. You may also want to discuss this in therapy with one another. If, after these discussions with your partner, they are not open to non-monogamy, it is important to accept how they feel and decide how you want to move forward with one another. Perhaps you will agree to revisit the topic later or decide to change something else in your relationship.
Many stigmas are associated with ethical non-monogamy, and finding someone to talk to about your open relationship may be challenging. This is why therapy, both individual and couples therapy, is so important to help you navigate this romantic journey that you are on. It is also okay to not share that you are in an open or polyamorous relationship with others who may judge you or not understand your relationship. A consensual open relationship is a decision between you and your partner and does not need to be understood by others. Open and polyamorous relationships may be complex, but they can be an exciting, fulfilling endeavor with proper boundaries and communication.
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