Have you ever found yourself recalling moments from the past that make you want to retreat, to hide away from the world? Moments that leave you feeling trapped within your own body, overwhelmed by the weight of your emotions? Shame is a powerful force, capable of shaping our self-perception and behavior in profound ways. However, not all shame carries the same impact or meaning.
Consider a time when shame made you want to build walls around yourself, driven by fears of being unloved, judged, or abandoned. Now, contrast that with moments when you were able to accept and acknowledge your mistakes or vulnerabilities. How did that acceptance shape your growth? The difference between these experiences lies in understanding the crucial distinction between healthy and unhealthy shame—a distinction that can mean the difference between self-growth and self-destruction. This blog will go over the distinction between healthy and unhealthy shame, the impact of unhealthy shame and some strategies that can help with overcoming toxic shame.
What Is Healthy Shame?
This is where it might sound like a contradiction, but shame, in its healthy form, serves an important purpose. Healthy shame is that inner voice that gently nudges us when we’ve crossed a boundary, hurt someone, or acted in a way that is inconsistent with our values. It is that uncomfortable feeling that tells us, “I’ve done something wrong,” rather than “I am something wrong.” Healthy shame can guide us toward positive change. It’s the kind of shame that motivates us to apologize when we’ve made a mistake, to make amends, and to learn from our actions. It’s a necessary part of our moral compass, helping us navigate our relationships and maintain social harmony. Without this kind of shame, we might struggle to connect with others on a deep, empathetic level, as it plays a role in fostering accountability and integrity.
For example, let’s say you snap at a loved one in a moment of frustration. Later, you feel a pang of shame. That feeling is telling you that your behavior wasn’t aligned with your values, that you value kindness and respect, and that snapping at someone you care about doesn’t reflect that. This realization can lead you to apologize and perhaps work on managing your stress better in the future. In this way, healthy shame can be a catalyst for personal growth.
What is Unhealthy Shame?
Unhealthy shame isn’t tied to a specific action or mistake but stems from a deep-seated belief that something is fundamentally wrong with oneself. This form of shame convinces individuals that they are not good enough, unworthy of love and belonging, and fundamentally flawed. Unlike healthy shame, which might say, “I’ve made a mistake,” unhealthy shame says, “I am a mistake.” This toxic mindset erodes self-worth and can lead to a cycle of self-sabotage. When internalized, this type of shame often manifests as chronic self-criticism, perfectionism, or a pervasive sense of inadequacy (Pattison, 2000)
Imagine growing up in an environment where you were constantly criticized or made to feel like you weren’t good enough. Hearing words like “You’re the problem” “you’re the mistake” “How could you do this?” Over time, you might start to believe that there’s something inherently wrong with you, that no matter what you do, you’ll never measure up. This belief can become so ingrained that it colors everything you do, leading to feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, and depression.
Recognizing the Impact of Unhealthy Shame
Unhealthy shame often hides in the shadows, subtly influencing our thoughts and behaviors without us even realizing it. One of the most common ways unhealthy shame manifests is through perfectionism which leads to depressive symptoms (Piotrowski, 2019). If you feel like you’re never good enough, you might constantly strive to be perfect, believing that if you can just be flawless, you’ll finally be worthy. But perfection is an impossible standard, and the pursuit of it only reinforces the belief that you’re not enough as you are.
Unhealthy shame can also lead to a fear of vulnerability. When you believe there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, the idea of being seen, truly seen, can be terrifying. You might build walls to protect yourself from the possibility of rejection or judgment, but these walls also keep out connection and intimacy. This isolation can perpetuate feelings of shame and loneliness, creating a vicious cycle.
Another way unhealthy shame shows up is through self-sabotage. When you don’t believe you’re worthy of success, love, or happiness, you might unconsciously undermine yourself to avoid the pain of possible failure or rejection. This can show up in various ways, such as procrastination, avoiding opportunities, or staying in toxic relationships.
Healing from Shame: Key Strategies for Reclaiming Your Self-Worth
If any of this resonates with you, it’s important to remember that healing from unhealthy shame is possible. Here are some practical steps to help you on your journey:
Recognize Shame and Its Triggers: Notice physical sensations like tightness in your chest or a sinking feeling that may signal the presence of shame. Pinpoint what activates that sensation, whether it's criticism from the environment, failure, or past experiences. Recognizing these triggers is the first step in changing your responses.
Journal and Externalize Your Thoughts: Journaling is a powerful tool to externalize your thoughts and emotions, allowing you to see them from a different perspective. By putting your feelings into words, you can start to untangle the complex emotions. A great way to challenge thoughts in a journal is to reflect on questions e.g. "Are these thoughts based on facts, or rooted in past experiences like critical parenting or bullying? Are they based on unattainable standards or someone else’s expectations?"
Engage in Mindfulness: Observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Mindfulness helps you acknowledge your pain without letting it define you
Self-Reflection: Pause and reflect–when you feel shame, ask yourself, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?”Develop awareness of why some of these beliefs associated with shame exist and how they impact your life. Understanding this can help you reject what's not aligned with your true self. If it’s about your self-worth, recognize it as unhealthy shame and respond with self-compassion.
Practice Self-Compassion:
Affirm your worth by reminding yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that you are worthy of love and belonging, just as you are.
Be gentle with yourself when you make mistakes. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend.
Recognize common humanity and remember that everyone experiences shame and struggles. You're not alone in this.
Open Up in a Safe Environment:
Break the secrecy and remember, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable” (Brown, 2015). Talk about your feelings with someone you trust and surround yourself with people who make you feel valued and understood. Empathy is a powerful antidote to shame. But also, empathy in a nurturing environment does the trick!
Seeking professional help e.g, therapy can be an excellent tool to begin processing any past trauma that fuels shame as well
Embracing Your Humanity
In the end, it’s important to remember that shame, like all emotions, has a purpose. When it’s healthy, shame can guide us to live in alignment with our values, to learn from our mistakes, and to grow as individuals. But when shame becomes unhealthy, it can undermine our sense of self and prevent us from living fully. By embracing healthy shame and challenging unhealthy shame, you can cultivate a more compassionate relationship with yourself and move toward a more authentic and fulfilling life. Remember, you are not your mistakes or your flaws—you are a whole, worthy person, deserving of love and belonging just as you are.
References:
Brown, B. (2015). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Avery.
Pattison S. Shame: theory, therapy, theology. Cambridge University Press; Cambridge: 2000. Piotrowski, K. (2019).
Perfectionism and identity processes in two domains: Mediational roles of worry, rumination, indecisiveness, shame, and guilt. Frontiers in Psychology, 10(1864), 1–11
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