Breakups are often painful for all parties involved. For the one initiating, this may
culminate in turmoil that has been brewing for an extended period. Questions of whether you
should break up or how you should break up can be taxing. For the receiving person, you may be blindsided, you may find acceptance with the sadness of a chapter closing, or you may want to push back against this decision. No matter the reason(s) for ending a relationship, it does not have to be contentious and filled with conflict. While these types of relationship-ending conversations can be uncomfortable, below are some ways to approach this change with grace and compassion for yourself and your partner.
Do Not Wait to Discuss the Concept of Breaking Up
You can discuss what breaking up would look like before you actually end the
relationship. This may be a confusing idea for most; however, this provides a level of safety that is often not associated with breaking up. Instead of letting fear lead to avoidance of the idea, you and your partner can discuss past experiences with breakups, feelings surrounding a break-up, and expectations with one another if you arrive at that conclusion on your own.
Depending on your circumstances, for example, if you live together or share belongings, it
would benefit you both to know where someone stands rather than assuming.
It is important to name the intention of talking about breaking up with your partner. This
should be before things feel beyond repair. It could be rooted in values, long-term life goals,
compatibility, etc. The hope is that when/if the time comes, you two can connect on a deeper
emotional level that comes from a mindful state rather than a reactionary, defensive state. Of
course, we cannot know how we will feel in the future. Yet, broaching this topic prior to the
ending allows for a softer place to land for you both. After all, regardless of why the relationship ended, you two shared a bond.
Lead with Honesty and Directness
It is often easier to be vague during a breakup. We can avoid the discomfort of
confrontation, yet when we are vague, this can prolong the pain for our former partner. It is
important to take responsibility for your own feelings, and it can be healing for you both to share this experience. Using “I” statements allows you to reflect on your feelings within the relationship and not place blame on the other person. Remember that directness does not equate to harshness. You can be direct while also being kind. The intention should be to end peacefully what is no longer working for you. This can be done without inflicting additional pain or confusion.
This also applies to breaking up in person. Yes, I know this can be difficult. This is an
opportunity to check in with yourself. If anxiety is coming up for you, could you name your
anxiety with your partner in the moment? You do not have to be alone with whatever feelings
are coming up. Your partner may likely be feeling similarly. What would it be like to share that
anxiety, fear, or sadness with each other? While the healing may be done separately, this
breakup can be a moment where you two feel together, potentially for the last time.
Discuss New Communication Terms
How do you want to speak to each other after this change? Do you need time and space
to process the breakup before talking further? You both can decide the terms that you need.
Even if those terms differ, you can explore how to respect each other’s boundaries together
during this transition time. This may also include how we speak to each other’s friends and
families or how we share the news with others.
Additionally, you should name explicitly how you two speak about each other to others in
your lives. It is easy to fall into the trap of dogpiling onto an ex with friends or family. Yet, does
this provide relief, or is this a reaction to your pain? This could be a defense mechanism to
distract from your feelings. For example, you can show gratitude that your friends are on your
“side” and share a desire to bring the focus back to you and how they can support you during
this period of change.
Accepting that Closure Comes from Within
When we are hurting, often all that we can focus on is how to alleviate the pain. With
breakups, this typically comes in the form of closure. Stop looking for closure from your partner; instead, turn inward. This act is giving grace to yourself and your partner by not putting unfair expectations on them and owning your healing process. Try and discover how you can find peace without all of the answers. Take time to discover what you learned about yourself in the relationship and how it ended. Allow yourself the space to sit with your emotions.
Whether this is your first breakup or not, give yourself permission to see this breakup
through a specific lens. Closure may have looked different in the past, which is okay. We can
often fall into patterns in relationships; this can be true for breakups as well. Heartbreak can
lead to growth and a greater sense of self-awareness. Instead of escalating an already difficult relational break, you both can mourn an ending together, giving you the ability to then process the loss individually.
No matter what the reasons are for a breakup, remember that we can control the
responses to our emotions. While there is much out of our control with breakups, try and focus on what is within your control. This can be during the relationship or even during the actual breakup. With this loss, remind yourself of the support and other relationships you have in your life. Know that couples therapy is a resource throughout any stage of a relationship. Many wait until there is significant conflict to turn to couples therapy. When you have an established relationship with a therapist during a stable period, they can support you both if circumstances or feelings change.
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