Money. For many, this can be a topic filled with dread. It may bring up feelings of comparison,
inadequacy, guilt, and more. Money differences can also be a major source of conflict between couples due to upbringing, values, and goals. However, avoiding the topic can lead to anxieties growing larger.
From a young age, we are taught narratives around money, typically without “talking” about
money at all. This could be witnessing a parent use coupons or shop a clearance rack. This
could be the number of vacations you took or the new clothes you received. As we grow older, we start to form our own ideas around money. We may choose careers due to financial
possibilities. We may live in certain places due to the cost of living. Regardless of your financial circumstances, when you partner with someone, the chances of aligning on everything around money are slim. This is why removing the veil of discomfort around money with your partner is important.
Below are four tips to help you navigate money talks, which can build a stronger foundation for your relationship.
1. Schedule Regular Times to Speak
Money does not typically come up organically. While you may discuss splitting meals or dates, personal finances may be a larger conversation to tackle. Since we all have our feelings about money, it is common that this may be put on the back burner. However, before making major financial decisions, such as moving in together, you should both understand where you currently stand and where you want to be financially. In the earlier stages of a relationship, long-term goals can be less of the focus, yet discussing your financial values would serve you both well.
This can be lifestyle choices, property ownership, desire to have children, where you live, and more. These conversations may be uncomfortable at first - that’s okay; you can name that! Do not let the awkwardness be a barrier to communicating.
When having any discussion around money, keep them time-limited. You can always return to
the subject. Leading with compassion and limiting judgment will allow for openness and safety to continue these discussions in the future. The consistency in having financial talks will also lessen the potential stress of the ongoing conversations around money.
2. Explore Beyond the Money
Money and emotions are difficult, if not impossible, to separate. You and your partner may have differing beliefs about money that could prevent practical conversations around joint spending and planning.
If the word money or talking through finances is triggering, slow down and focus on what feelings are underneath this topic. Is there shame in spending? Are there insecurities around salary differences? Is your love language gift-giving? Whatever comes up for you, bring it to your partner. This may help alleviate any aloneness you may be experiencing while diminishing some hesitations about discussing financial logistics. Remember, you and your partner are a team; when we lead with that lens, you can move through any hurdles.
More tips for discussing money with your partner
3. Flexibility Is Key
Once you and your partner establish more comfort around discussing money, it is important to remember that your financial circumstances will change over time. This means that goals should adjust to the changing landscape of your finances. While this may bring up new, complicated emotions, focus on the power of your team. One person’s changes may impact the team, yet this is a practice of staying in the present and acknowledging that this is temporary; you can reevaluate in the future. For example, if you live with your partner and agree to a certain financial split of the bills and one person loses their job, how will you navigate this together?
Remember that money is not the only way to quantify contributing to a partnership. Since most people do not make an equal amount of money in a relationship, explore together what value other acts and contributions mean to one another. When we are rigid with our rules or
expectations of one another, it is challenging to find the humanity and unpredictability of life.
Herein lies the delicate balance between living in the here and now and working toward future plans. Progress is rarely linear. This applies to money, as well.
Partner Goals Versus the Individual
Where is the line between personal finances and shared in a relationship? How do you define what is solely yours and what is combined? Consider asking yourself these questions before entering money talks with a partner. Of course, this can change based on the partner or your circumstances; however, you may want to know your priorities before making major financial decisions with another person. This could include savings for retirement, fitness expenses, travel, and miscellaneous monthly expenses. Your confidence in your own financial goals could provide a stronger foundation for creating space to explore your shared feelings and expectations for money talks.
The earlier you start discussing “taboo” topics in a relationship, the more you can create
normalcy and help reduce stress. Above all, money, as scary as it can be to address, is a way to bring connection and practice healthy communication. Do not wait until you are fully invested in the relationship to explore feelings around finances. It does not have to start heavy. Simply understanding a person’s relationship with money can be a wonderful place to begin. If money becomes a point of conflict in your partnership, couples therapy could be a safe space to explore your emotions further.
Listen: Financial Intimacy
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